Invisible minds 2: The sense

This is my old work. Maybe someone ask : "Why are you giving it to here, where can everybody read it?" It's good, this is my way how balance with them and I think when I wrote it so I can understand the sense these all in my life and this help to my friends known me better and in the minds and in the life.

What has sense in the life? In childhood I‘m thought, that the sense of the life is find true love and be satisfied with the life, but now when I’m already adult doubt about them. Although I live how can I’m not satisfied. I experienced much terrible things and survived it. Sometimes I don't know if had all survive.
On the beginning of the life me psychic ill-treated my present friend. I proved forgive him, but about all he proved forgive himself. It was my first victory over the life.
Then my family gone to the groves, but directed there all existence. Dad at the end mummy physical assaulted and his fist split her upper lip. I will never forget on her scream and tears and how I musted dad tear down of mummy, so that he didn’t beat her to death. I forgave him. The most important is, that I found power on them. And this can consider for winning over the life.
Somewhere among them I wanted kill myself, because nerves broke me, but policemen stoped me in good time and I ended in the Opava(Mental home) on child's ward. Was it luck perhaps? I don't know, but was it liberation. I found thanks to them what I can and what I am, I don’t know it to since. I was blind of the pain and fear, desperation and myselves - hate. Bad feelings burned into me black hole, which boarded me slowly and very agonizingly. I survived it and can say, that won above them. It was my second winning.
Then I met with Honzík, boy of which I thought on the beginning , that he is only one of to many idiots. I was never such, that I would brought up somebody above definitive verdict, so I spoke with him and it was my way how known him better. If only would such wasn't! I fell in love to him as far as several months after. I felt out of him warm, which heat me up. Every his word was sweet song for me. Every his movement was harmonious movement noble stan for me. Yes, loved him of true love, which I searched all life. Oh, we understood so good. We could together speak all days and we still had what speak about. Once he said, that we are similar. I felt it too and what more I heard it in his words. When he died it was like died all my half being, which I am. I lost myself, I lost my Beautifuly chaotic.
Since I’m telling to myself what my life and everything in them has a sense, when I lose it most important always.
I lost the childhood and possibility grow up like the rest. I experienced never the puberty like you all. Rather it looked, that I outslept it. I seen how girls wants be beautiful for boys and use make-up, but I felt never, that I have do it too. I had other things to solving.
I lost family, which wanted always to have, but the truth is that I had it never.
I Always fought, but now I'm so tired and lonely in the heart. Already I haven’t my kindred soul, already I haven’t power to fighting for own aims.
When I project my life It is nothing nice except moments, which paid me best friend Gabrielle. Perhaps thanks her I didn’t gone mad from them. Our old friendship is like a buoy, which hold me under the water. We are like a family, the one is here for the sekond, but I feel, that still something lacks me.
When I‘m going to sleep at night I say to myself: „ if I‘m could snug to my beloved and feel his warm, feel his heartbeat and hear his breath." If I mightn’t to be fall asleeping alone and to be wakeing up in desolate room without sense. Every me says, that would have therefor something do, but what? Love isn't when men say: „ already I don't want be alone," and will be abreast with first men, which will enjoy him. Love wants time and much words, which will help the other's recognize more closely, but nor then is nothing warranted. They may be but friends and no more. Thanks Honzik I know, what I am looking for, but I’m not sure if sometimes find someone who could be my constituent. Honzik was all for me. I felt a lot of feelings, which I didn’t felt long long time before. I was like a child with him again. Sensitive, trustful, naive, friendly I felt the feelings, which were already strange for me. This everything I lost with his death. I don’t know if I find some man, which proved love me. I don’t know if I may twice have similar lucky.
I know how feel prisoner inside the small cell, which can’t go out from, although the doors are open.
I lost!